For Gavin

Some 15 years ago, I was in an accident.  A rather bad one.  And I was disfigured for months. 

Yes, the casts came off and the wobbly teeth settled.  But the stitches left a jagged scar and most of my face was covered with what looked like a port wine stain birthmark.  Although the emergency room doctors had done their best to pick all the gravel out of my face, my skin had been abraded so badly, that there was just not that much of it left. In fact, during my time in the hospital, I was not allowed to look in the mirror until the last day. When I finally peered into that looking glass, I saw that I had disappeared and been replaced by someone else.

Unable to care for myself and with my hands in casts, I went to the people whom I knew could look after me best - my parents.  When my mother saw me in the airport, all broken and oozing, she hugged me gingerly and told me how happy she was that I had come home.  She said nothing about the way I looked; she's not unkind.  But that night I heard her crying quietly in the kitchen, whispering to my father that she feared that no one would ever marry me.  And so it began, My Year of Living Ugly. 

My Year of Living Ugly taught me many things, both about myself and about others.  I saw how I had changed in people's eyes.  Young children looked at me with a sort of fascinated curiousity.  Young men didn't look at me at all - or if they did, it was with disdain.  My value on the open market had plummeted.  Always slim, I began to view the very fat woman differently; we shared something in common now - we were both outcasts. I made an effort to smile at my fellow outcasts in the supermarket checkout line.  But it didn't just stop there.  I worked harder at being kind.  I tried to be funnier, more engaging.  I always remembered birthdays.  I offered a good shoulder to cry on.

I worked on the inside - that was all I had left. 

It took a long time -- months -- to heal.   But then, slowly, I started to look like my old self again. The scars faded, my skin returned to as it once was.  It seemed like my foisted-upon sociology experiment was coming to a close.  The data was in, the tabulations had been done, the conclusions had been drawn.  It was time to lock the laboratory door and throw away the key.  But I slipped the key into my pocket instead and there it has remained.  Every morning when I look in the mirror, I still see some of that girl that I met during My Year of Living Ugly.  And you know what? I still always smile at everyone in the supermarket checkout line.  And if you tell me your birthday, I will send you a card.

****************

PS Many thanks to the lovely Ronda at All the Best for her interview of this little blogger.

Comments

[cruststation]

Thank you for sharing your story, it must have been so hard. The doctors did a great job, I would never have guessed you had been in such an accident...Congrats on your interview over at 'all the best'.

[mod*mom]

glad to hear it made you stronger!

[eyechan]

That which does not kill us makes us stronger, said Nietzsche, quoting an ancient Chinese proverb. I don't think this is true all of the time, but definitely it is in your case. Thanks for sharing such a personal and moving story.

Ps: This may or may not be a stupid question, but who is Gavin? if you don't mind me asking.

[amirah]

thank you for sharing this story and i'm another person that never would have guessed you had been in such a bad accident. i thought you were beautiful! i'm so glad you're okay!

[Liza]

While I'm not one of those people who believes that everything happens for a reason, I think that tragic circumstances such as this one bring out traits in ourselves that we would not otherwise have discovered, and these extreme events help us to learn about who we are as people, and what our strengths and capabilities are. And, while we would certainly not want to go through these experiences again, if we can take what we learned and use it to help others or to be better people somehow, then maybe the tragic experiences were not completely in vain.

[Anna]

Hi Maryam, I just came to your site after I had posted a comment on Ronda's site. In my comment I wrote that I thought you were gorgeous and then I popped over here to MM and I read your heartfelt story. I cannot believe what you went through. So painful. But look at you, you are so gorgeous and I think you are such a kind person from what I have learnt about you over these last few months.
What a wonderful end to a very sad story - a beautiful person both on the inside and on the outside!

[Kristy]

Lovely honest post.Kindness is a strength we all should aspire too. xxx

[Dymock]

It is great to read such a heartfelt post, your outlook on life is admirable.

[Arch]

Very inspiring! Such unfortunate incidents make us stronger and lets the real beauty of inner strength shine through. Great post and great blog!

[nunu's mum]

Oh Maryam....what a story.

What doesn't kill you makes you strong is the mantra I live by.

You never cease to amaze me. I like you more each time I learn something new about you.

Your kindness is truly inspirational. I would like to work harder on being kind myself.

[Jay]

Blogging with a moral - very well done!

[Ruzana]

Oh Maryam that entry that left me speechless. I agree, looking at your photo now nobody would have guessed what you went through 15 years ago. Am so so glad everything turned out ok.

[Jen Renninger]

15 years ago (as of last October) I had a similar experience and learned the very same lessons. My Grandmother always said the bad things are really just good things hidden in a yucky old coat. It brough tears of joy to my eyes this morning, to hear a mirrored lesson from someone elses voice! Thank you!!!

[Marcos]

What can I say that hasn't already been said in the comments so far?

I wonder if in a way you are thankful that what must have been a deeply painful experience has helped mould you into the charming and caring Maryam of today?

I think people love this blog not just because of your brilliant writing but also that your warmth and generosity of spirit comes through in every post.

[Alyssa]

Well I think you look fabulous inside and out!

[Ron]

Hey Maryam. I really enjoyed this post and think others would as well. I posted a link to your blog on digg. If anyone else reading this agrees go to digg.com and DIGG it.

http://www.digg.com/search?section=news&s=maryam

PS. They really didn't have a category that fit. I put it under health.

[susanna]

Oh, Maryam, what a beautiful and painful story. I've come to believe that sometimes we are given a situation where we have to choose what kind of person we will be/become. I admire your strength for going through that hard year and for choosing to become the beautiful person you are today.

[Winna]

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder. I say let that beholder be ourselves. If we look past the mirror we will find what passerbys can't see: our beautiful heart and soul.

You are beautiful through and through.

[Sean Howard]

Wow.

Thank you for sharing this. And I wish I could comment on Gavin's behalf but know my writing would come up far too short.

You give us all the strength to be a little more kind with a story like this.

[Liosliath]

Maryam, I was just blown away by this story. Thanks for sharing it with us. I'd like to write more, but like Sean, I don't think I can - I'm still a little amazed and overwhelmed!

Now I'm going to go out and try to be a little nicer to folks today.

[Louise]

What a good soul you are!

Thanks for sharing your amazing experience.

[Britt-Arnhild]

So much wisdom, so much lived life. Thanks for sharing.

[missy]

maryam--I didn't know what you looked like until recently...didn't matter in the least as the 'engaging thing' was the connection. Missy ;)

[Helen]

What a reality check on life's trivialities and miniscule concerns. I'm sat at home nursing a poor throat and jaw after a two hour tonsilectomy and suddenly my little whispered rants pale in comparison. I send you love and continuing envious thoughts for your life in Marrakech. It's number 1 on my list of places to visit (student life has taken its toll on my holiday destination) and I will certainly drop you a line when I have a departure date. All the very best to you and your family and thank you for sharing yourself with us.

[stephanie]

i absolutely loved this post. it couldn't have been more of a beautiful read. what a wonderful person you are both inside and out. i enjoy your blog immensly and i actually wish you posted more. i am so glad you lived through your accident and learned such an important lesson. i am older now, though centainly not "old", and my beauty has faded. it was something i certainly took for granted for 20 years, but since i was an awkward looking child and teenager and didn't really "blossom" until later on in life, i always had empathy for people who were fat, or nerdy looking, or simply ugly. i befriended the underdogs, the geeks, the losers because i could see how much more difficult life was for them. while making these people happier, i made myself feel better as well.