Morocco: They let us call our lawyer, before the cuffs go on, right?

You realize of course that we managed to buy a whole olive grove knowing absolutely nothing about olive trees other than....that we liked olives.  Preferably the large, green ones that taste of lemon or the small, wrinkly black ones that taste of the sea.  Oh, you mean they don't grow that way on the tree?

Our search for the olive grove user's manual left us empty handed.  How is it, exactly, that we are to take care of these trees?  We are the most unfit of parents.  I tell you, I live in fear of someone calling Olive Tree Welfare Services and blowing the whistle on us.  You know how it works don't you?  Just when the olive grove is looking a wreck -- with huge piles of sand up and down, and tons of brick here and there -- and streaks of mud on our nose and left cheek.....suddenly, we hear the door bell ring:

Her:  Hello, this is Olive Tree Welfare Services. May I come in please? 

Us: Uh, this isn't the very best time...We were just...(voice weak) getting ready to do....something....

Her:  This will only take a minute.

(In walks tidy looking woman, with hair pulled back in a neat pony tail, spotless Smith & Hawkens gardener apron tied around waist, impeccable rubber gardening boots.) 

Her:  (Looking around, with worried expression)  I can see that things appear to be...in a state of... flux here.  If you don't mind, just a few questions.  First, how might you describe your tree-raising philosophy?

Us:  (attempting a cheery tone of voice)  Tree raising philosophy? Well, personally we believe that trees need, ummm....sunlight.  And did we mention water?  Yes, watering now and again.  You know, that sort of thing.  Of course, our tree raising philosophy is much more elaborate than that.  Much more.  But we're sure you know, exactly what we mean, don't you?  (Hopeful lilt in voice.)

Her:  Well, actually, no I don't know. 

And from there...things just goes from bad to worse before Ms. Olive Tree Welfare Services reads us our rights and explains kindly but firmly that the trees will have to be put into protective custody.  For their own good.  We may be allowed privileges to visit the trees under guided supervision once we have demonstrated our mastery of Ph balances, pruning cycles, the pluses and minuses of manure, the advantages of the drip system versus trench irrigation, and how to make olive oil with our bare hands. 

(Much wailing and carrying on, with exclamations of But we love those trees as if we had raised them since they were wee saplings, etc.  Burly men appear out of no where to "help us" to the door.)

Then I wake up in a cold sweat....

Comments

[Terra Shield]

I'm sure your olive grove will grow healthy once again... besides, it's a brand new year... :)

[julie]

hilarious...love olives too and trees more! Get those gloves on..!!

[winna]

M, what I really want to know is, are those your hands and handcuffs? They look awfully like your hands... Now we've been best friends for quite awhile, so I feel a bit cheated that you haven't told me that you owned handcuffs!

[Maryam in Marrakesh]

Terra-They are actually very healthy for the time being. Phew. But you are right - I need to make this a New Year's resolution!

Julie-Swear to god, I need a pair of gardening gloves!

Winna-No darling, those are not my hands. You know I wear glamorous nail polish (well, no, I don't really but....)

[Dymock]

Great post as usual! Happy belated New Year!

[Paul]

Thought for a second there, you didn't make it past customs;-)

[Claire]

Ha! Good luck with your trees!

[pinkmohair]

Olive your blog!

[julie at BV]

those wrinkly black olives are my favorite too. Good luck with your olive trees

[Regina Clare Jane]

You had me worried there for a sec...
Umm... if you invite me and hubby over to your place, I'm sure we could help you out with the trees. Hubby has a green thumb...:)

[eyechan]

Can't tell you how much I love this funny little story.

[adel]

Did I miss Atlas memo? olive trees used to grow up healthy without human care!!!

[Novel Nymph]

You will find your way to olive tree bliss--as opposed to the authorities!;)

[Anrosh]

Grow olive trees grow.

[Alex aka Gypsy Girl]

You did fool me once again till the last sentence!;-)

[Frida]

Thank you for a fabulous giggle on a grey morning. I grew olives in Kabul and in Gaza. I am a terrible (read: absent minded) gardener so I am guessing they are pretty hardy?

[lacithecat]

Smile ... I have killed every plant I have been unfortunately owned - except one (no idea what it is, but it keeps growning). Can't give you any advice, but lots of luck!

[Magda]

Maryam, what a dream!

[Intisar]

I'm not so good with plants either, but my mom taught me how to make long lanky(not so leafy) ivy into more full(not so lanky) ivy. I actually was good at that. I'm also good at identifying, oddly enough, my sister calls me her little botanist.

I do sympathize, but I'm sure your trees will be ok.

[Kaydee]

Ha ha ha. This is funny, it should be a chldren's book.

I thought those might be your hands too..

[susanna]

Are you trying to say that olives don't grow in little plastic containers at the grocery store? Huh?